on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
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I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
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that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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