i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
...so i touched it.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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