Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I just found a bag of teeth...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
