My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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