never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
