I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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