If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
