im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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