So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
