How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
