He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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