At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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