Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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