I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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