My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
