Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
