i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
