I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
she peed on how many people?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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