Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
