One girl and one boy is just not enough.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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