She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
