The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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