When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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