My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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