clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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