I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
