you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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