You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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