Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
