Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
