For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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