thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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