I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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