I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
