I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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