I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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