I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Randomize
