i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My balls are so social today.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
