the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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