All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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