i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
