In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
