failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
