if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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