So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
