Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
