We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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