My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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