Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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