8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Houston, we have a squirter
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
