Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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