if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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