Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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