i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Randomize
