Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
