I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
