woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
